Sunday, 28 April 2013

Bela's Corner: Why Seeking Revenge is Bad For You...

Revenge…they say it’s a dish best served cold. We’ve all wanted to get back at someone – especially an ex who has done us dirty. I’ve dreamt of ways to get back at a guy who cheated on me and you’d be surprised how creative one can be when motivated enough to seek revenge. But I’ve never actually gone through with it – mainly because the thoughts alone were satisfying enough and I quickly came to my senses and realized it wasn’t worth it. Plus, I didn’t want to catch a case.

But when I read articles about women busting windows out of cars, or renting billboards or taking out full page ads in magazines blasting their exes, I can’t help but think they’re a little bit cray cray. I’m sure some of you even have friends who air their dirty laundry on Facebook and Twitter, talking about what a lowdown dirty dog their ex-man is and how the sex was wack, he’s a two-minute brotha and hasn’t had a job since a job had him. They may think they’re getting him back by putting all his business on front street, but really what they’re doing is making themselves look foolish. If someone has done something terrible to you, seeking revenge may seem like a natural reaction, but here are a few reasons why plotting revenge may be a bad, bad idea. Click to continue...


I’ll admit, sometimes when I see a woman tossing her man’s things out of a window and she’s kicking his A$ to the curb, I say to myself, “That’s right girl, don’t take no isht from that loser!” But when I hear stories of women taking a bat to a man’s windshield or super gluing his private parts to his leg to get back at him for sleeping with her best friend, I shake my head thinking that the woman is a bit unstable. Sure, the man probably deserves everything she does to him, but from a distance without knowing the details, the woman just looks nuts. Do you really want to be known as the crazy chick in the neighborhood? No one is going to remember what he did to you, they’re only going to remember that you went bat-isht crazy on him.

No one deserves to be cheated on, lied to, deceived or abused – and if your man has done any of those things to you, I can see why you’d want to post fliers in your neighborhood with the word “DOG” written on them and a photo of his face. But if your man says he cheated on you or left you because you’re crazy, people will probably believe him. No one will care that he treated you badly because all they see is your bad behavior – and bad behavior is never rewarded. Don’t counter his actions with even WORSE actions. Simply move on so that he (and no one else) never has anything negative to say about you.


We may be hurt or angry when someone does us wrong, but a strong woman knows how to handle adversity. Seeking revenge on someone is easy, but taking the high road shows that you’re a mature, well-adjusted individual who knows how to deal in a crisis. The pain and anger may be real and justifiable, but don’t ever let anyone get the best of you. The pain will eventually go away and you’ll be a stronger person for not allowing bitterness to take a hold of you.

It probably felt really good throwing that brick through his window…at the time. But now what? Has that taught him a lesson about being faithful? Does that change the fact that he did something to hurt you? Of course not. The damage is already done and no amount of destruction you can do to his personal property can change the past. If you MUST get your feelings out and off your chest, write your rants down in a journal or call your girlfriends and vent to them. Just make sure you don’t call on friends who encourage you to do anything crazy. Remember, good friends don’t let friends play themselves.


Good friends also implore you to consider the consequences of your actions. Maybe you feel that he deserves to be humiliated the same way he humiliated you – so you email all of his friends and co-workers detailing all of his transgressions (think Garcelle Beauvais and her ex). You think it’s embarrassing to him and harmless enough – until you find out that he’s been fired from his job. Some revenge schemes can go a bit too far and if you want him to get fired because of something in your relationship, you’re just as bad as he is. What happened between you two personally is not something someone should lose friends or a job over. You might be too angry to care about the repercussions of your actions now, but eventually you could live to regret the damage you caused by taking your revenge a little too far.


When a person is angry, it’s sometimes hard to think past the rage he/she feels that is causing him/her to seek revenge. All one can focus on is payback at any costs, but that can be dangerous. One of the main reasons I never sought to do any physical harm to an ex’s property was because I was afraid he might go off on me…and I’m not trying to get choked out! If the man you’re seeking revenge on has a bad temper, he may either hurt you for humiliating him or damaging his property, or call on his crazy female cousins to do it for him. Even if it’s not physical harm that could be caused, think about the emotional damage you could be doing to his family or children should you seek to embarrass him. You may think he deserves it but all the drama simply isn’t worth it.


Usually when you look to get back at someone, you have to put yourself out there in order to do it. Even if you feel justified in your actions, as stated before, you could be the one who winds up looking crazy…and who wants to date crazy? If word gets out that you’re the girl who tried to cut off your ex’s genitals with a dirty razor blade, then chances are the next guy won’t be rushing to date you anytime soon. I don’t know any men out there who think Lorena Bobbitt is hot. Nothing you say will be able to convince the next dude that your ex did something so bad that he deserved THAT type of reaction. All everyone will wonder is how you’ll handle the next breakup…and if he’s smart, the next guy won’t want to find out.


You may feel that his action deserves an equal and opposite reaction – and that the person who wronged you deserves to be punished. I get that…totally understandable. But what most people don’t realize is that karma can, and usually will, take care of that person for you. It might even be in a much more harsh way than anything you could come up with yourself. The problem with most humans is that we want to see the person who hurt us suffer for ourselves; we want revenge to be swift – and the only way to make sure they get their just due is to do it ourselves. Let the Universe handle it so that you can move on with a clear conscience. Bad behavior is bad behavior, so getting the person back that hurt you makes you just as bad as he or she is…and you’ll be setting yourself up for your own personal failure. Keep the positive energy on your side so that karma doesn’t come after you too.


Usually an elaborate revenge plot takes time – to think up and to execute, which is too much time spent on someone who really shouldn’t matter to you. The time and energy it takes to plan the demise of an ex-lover is time that you could be using to help heal yourself and move on. No one is saying that you can’t be angry for what was done to you, but take that anger and use it to fuel your workouts or spending it with people who care about you. Concentrate all of your energy on positive thoughts and getting over the pain and anger someone has caused you. Plotting revenge is a waste of time and it’ll only make you become someone you don’t like. Want to really get back at him? Be happy – and getting a “revenge makeover” doesn’t hurt either. It’ll make you feel good about yourself and he will see what he’s really missing – and that’s the best revenge anyone can ask for!

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