Where is my Heart

Where is my heart? I ask! 

I don’t know where it is because I can’t seem to find it. 
I knows it’s somewhere around because I’m still alive – or think I am. 
It is in so much pain and anguish right now that it has broken off communication 
with every one – including me. 
Silly? Yes, silly! 

But I need to find my heart though. 
I thought it was used to this by now. 
I mean, we’ve been through this road together so many times we should be able 
to navigate through it blindfolded. Or so I thought. 
I thought we’ve been through so many heartaches and heartbreaks over the years 
that we’ve become pretty adroit at masquerading the pain 
and hurt and making them appear inconsequential. 

So what is different this time around? 

This time, my heart fell hard and fell way too fast. 
It usually takes pride in liking, not loving, someone. 
It would go months into a relationship without falling in love. 
But I met him and within minutes I knew it 
I knew that it was different this time. 
I knew that the game was about to be turned on its head. 

I fell for a remarkable man! 
I fell for the most amazing man. 
I fell for the brightest star in the galaxy. 
He was reminiscent of the most magnificent prince charming 
He was all I dreamt about and all I craved. 
He was love personified. 
He was special. 

Now I feel lost. 
I feel bereft, and incapable, of feelings right now 
because like Sade sang, “Somebody already broke my heart.” 
More like somebody already stole my heart this time – because I just can’t find it anywhere. 

This is my catharsis, so please indulge me. 

I normally wouldn’t discuss the affairs of my heart – not this publicly, anyway. 
But the pain is so wrenching and the hurt so deep that I had to do this – this one time. 
I usually would just drown my pain in music 
and listen repeatedly to Sade’s “King of Sorrow” 
Or Celine Dion’s “Goodbye’s (The Saddest Word)” all night long. 
But since this is such an uncharted terrain for me 
as I’ve never felt any loss this profound before now 
I soliloquize at the efficacy of using music to heal my pain this time. 
Time, they say, is the great healer. 
Time, sad songs, with a lot of fortitude. 

He was the most fun I’ve ever had. 
He made me laugh so hard I’d tear up. 
Then He’d make me so sad I’d wanna cry. 
He was my purest joy and my unadulterated pain. 
I was his laughter and his tears. 
How could someone so sweet be so tragic at the same time? 

We shared a common passion – a profound love for music 
and for things cerebral. 
We would listen to music all night, together, anywhere we could find it 
on the radio, in the car, on the phone, and live. 
He had an amazing sense of humor that I marveled at. 
Laughter was never at a premium whenever we were together. 
We spent more time laughing at our silliness than anything else. 
He made me feel like a kid in the chocolate factory 
like an overworked worker on the last day of work before embarking on an exotic vacation 
like a man patiently and excitedly awaiting the birth of his first child. 

He was an exceptional man! 
He wasn’t the most handsome of men. 
But still I loved him 
because He was THE most handsome man he’d ever met! 

I was the music of his heart and the soundtrack of his life. 
I was the beat he couldn’t stop dancing to 
the melody he couldn’t stop nodding to 
the hook he couldn’t get out of his head 
the lyrics he felt so deeply he could touch and embrace. 
I was the song he couldn’t and wouldn’t stop singing to. 

He vowed that if he ever found me 
that he’d do everything possible to never let me go. 
Found me, he did, but, characteristically 
He couldn’t make me stay. 
What did he do wrong this time? 
Didn’t he try hard enough? 
Or did he try too hard it was suffocating for me? 
Maybe he didn’t convince me well enough that he was different – that he wasn’t a player. 
Perhaps, love just didn’t love me. 

Please don’t ask me who He is because I would never tell. 
He is my pain now and I’d like for him to remain that way – my own pain. 
Don’t start a conversation about him the next time you run into me 
because I would neither confirm nor deny or even acknowledge your suppositions. 
His identity would forever remain a mystery. 
If you think you know him then perhaps you do. 
BUT WHAT WE THINK WE KNOW AND WHAT WE ACTUALLY KNOW 
OFTEN TIMES ARE MILES APART. 

One thing I need you to help me with though 
in this moment of deep despair and excruciating anguish 
whom should I go with – Celine Dion or Sade? 

He was my heart 
but now he is gone! 
Now I’m vacuous and bereft of happiness. 
I will never feel the same way again. 
I’ve been tortured, traumatized, and tormented. 
But I’ll live 
and I’ll smile again. 

He was my heart. 
But now that He is gone 
what does that make me? 

Heartless?!