I am in need of some serious advice. I am 29 years old, no kids, and been with my ex-girlfriend for almost 7 years, off and on, up and down. She is now 27 years old. My problem is that I am filled with so much guilt and regret because of some of the choices and decisions I made. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for quite some time. She’s in Ireland and I’m in London, and we were going back and forth. She always used to say to, “You know I can’t do this long distance relationship.” And, I understood that. So, I said ok, I am gonna take care of what I have to do in London and then move. The problem is we were a little strained, but we were trying to work it out. Continue to see my reply
Well, we were long distance for most of 2012. We were both trying to work and save money and then move in together. Well, that’s at least what I thought. That summer she went to Nigeria for about 3 weeks, and apparently she got engaged to her high school boyfriend and didn’t tell anyone. When she told me this it was February of this year, and when she finally told me she was 5 weeks married and pregnant. I could not believe what I was hearing. This is a woman I knew for almost 15 years. I know we were in a long distance relationship, but the thing I can’t understand is that she has been preaching to me that she didn’t want a long distance relationship, but, yet she goes to Nigeria and gets engaged to her high school boyfriend who she hasn’t seen in 4 years, get engaged for six months, and then don’t tell nobody not even her family! And, when she did tell me she said she didn’t want to hurt me.WTF!! What did she think it was gonna do after the fact?
So, now she goes to Nigeria and marries her high school boyfriend, and on top of that he can’t fly to UK because he doesn’t have a Visa, and she’s 5 months pregnant. Ever since then I have been in a massive state of depression. I can’t eat, or sleep. I cut of my inner circle. I lost almost 30 pounds. I’m just so alone and isolated. I hate going to work. I just come home and sit in the dark everyday for the last couple of months. I just can’t stop thinking I caused this to happen. I could’ve just moved or been there more often, but because I chose to chase money and to have a stable income this happened. I feel like this caused me my happiness with her. She kept telling me about time wasting time and that her clock was ticking. What freaking clock?
But, my thing is I understand that. If you were going to go that route then how come you didn’t make that move with me, someone who lives in London? How can she get engaged and don’t tell me for six months? How can she not give me my chance to crash that freaking wedding, because we all know it’s not gonna last.
On top of that I know she’s gonna come back around, and the fact that the next time I am gonna see her is with another man’s child. It is really killing me to know I waited for that experience with her and to know she just gave it to another man without any warning. It’s just really difficult to handle that. I just need some advice. I am really going through hell.
Dear Heart-Break Kid,The fact that you are feeling depressed, and have not eaten, or can’t sleep causes me concern. Especially that you have cut off your friends, don’t want to engage in anything, and you are just moving through life carrying this inner pain and hurt with you is not healthy emotionally or mentally. I am urging you to please find someone, a counselor, or therapist and talk with them about this. Get into some therapy as soon as possible. You need someone to speak with. DO NOT hold this in, and try to deal with this on your own. Getting help, and talking with a professional will help you to heal, and slowly recover and move on.
And, please don’t cut off your inner circle. They are your friends, and they will help you get through this. So, please lean on your friends, one of your boy’s, or someone you feel you can talk to who has a good ear and they will listen to you. You need your friends because they will be a strong support system for you.
Now, what your ex-girlfriend has done to you is trifling, low down, sneaky, deceitful, and shady! Hell, that is some straight bull-ish, and you should be angry, and upset. You want me to put some roots on her? Just kidding. But, I know some people who know some people who know someone. Let me know now. LOL!
On the real, you cannot hold on to this pain and anger. It is consuming you, and it can potentially damage you for a long time to come. You do not want this to cripple you and prevent you from future potential relationships with good women you may meet. I don’t want you to internalize this and project your ex’s behavior onto other women, and you build of wall of distrust of women. This could lead you to not think of women as honest, and that they are only out to hurt you. Please seek help before you internalize this pain and hurt as such.
But, here’s the thing. You’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly 7 years. I mean in that time someone could have made a move, or something. Seven years and you’re still in a long distance relationship?!? What were you taking care of in New York for 7 years? I mean you were asking her to wait on you until you got your plan together, and stack up on some money, but 7 years? In that time she did tell you that she didn’t and couldn’t do a long distance relationship. She wasn’t feeling it, and wanted you there with her. But, I’m curious as to why didn’t she move with you? What was preventing her from moving to London?
And, she did tell you that her biological clock was ticking. She wanted to have kids. She wanted a family. So, the fact that both of you spent most of your 20s in a long distance relationship hoping it will work, and someone would move, it seems she got fed up and tired of waiting. Which will explain her making a rash decision while she was in Nigeria to get engage to her high school boyfriend (Someone she was familiar with, and had known), and, because she was thinking she wanted to have kids, be a wife, and have a family she did it with someone she had a history with.
I know it’s devastating to learn that the woman you were committed to, willing to give up everything for, and the woman you wanted to make your wife suddenly and out of nowhere changes the entire course and dynamic of your relationship in an instant. Why did she do what she did? Only she knows. We have some insights, but her rationale and decision to do it while she was still with you is callous and cold.